Sleep Talkin' Man

Oh man oh man oh man. Sleep Talkin' Man is HILARIOUS. I first found out about this website from the ever-awesome Sofa Pizza, and I have been following it since. Basically, there's this British guy who very, very frequently talks in his sleep, and the things he says are quite understandable and also QUITE ridiculous. In fact, the sleep-talking personality of this man is so distinct, consistent, and persistent that he (it?) has been dubbed Sleep Talkin' Man (obviously), a.k.a. STM.

Due to the absolute absurdity STM, the man's wife began documenting his night-time ramblings by taking audio recordings every night and transcribing the particularly entertaining parts. Reading the things STM says is very funny, but the real hilarity comes when you LISTEN to the sound clips provided with each quote. SOOOO AMAZING.

Here is a selection of some of my favorite STM quotes. I highly, highly recommend that you go to the corresponding STM blog posts and listen to the sound bytes as well. TRUST ME, IT'S WORTH IT.

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"Stop throwing dinosaurs everywhere! It's gonna take me forever to get the pterodactyls down from the wardrobe. Oh, you messy little velociraptors."

(Listen here!)

"The fruit flies have escaped! Hide your plums! Satsumas flee! FLEE! Oh, this is gonna be total fruitocide. Fuck you, avocado, you're on your own."

(Listen here!)

"No, you're NOT going out like that. Your feathers all ruffled and beak covered in that nasty lipstick, and that excuse for a skirt. You look like one of those street-corner dirty chickens. Go back upstairs and put something decent on. You live under my coop, you behave and you dress like a good chicken! This is hard-boiled love, you know."

(Listen here!)

"Everybody kneel on your swimming towel. It is time to pray to the omnipotent baby squid. (chanting) Squidyyyyyy. Squidyyyyyy."

(Listen here!)

"Hey, look at me! I just made bumble bee pajamas. They're so cuuuute, with their little leg holes. This one's bright fuchsia with some black spots. I think that's my favorite. And this one's got a night cap that fits right over the antennae... (gasp!) TOSS! Wing holes! I forgot to put wing holes! Oh, well. '...and all the honey was oozy woozy, sticky and gooey, but it tasted good.' Awww. Bed time story for tired little bumble bee. (whispering) Go to sleep, bee."

(Listen here!)

"Ladies and gentlemen, grab your partners! Time to dance like you're my washing machine. Can you spin it? Yes you can. Let's take it down! I'm talkin' 40 degrees."

(Listen here!)

"I'll have a baby on the rocks. Yeah… What the fuck is this? Seriously?! A baby smoothie?! What the fuck, barkeeper, I asked for a baby on the rocks. Baby, rocks. Simple. Goddamnit, people. A baby on the rocks."

(Listen here!)

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Ahaha, dang, I love me some Sleep Talkin' Man. Go check it out!!

via Sleep Talkin' Man